To: Creepy Crawlies
From: InInEx Club (Intrepid Indoor Explorers) (motto: “Because it’s there!”)
Safety tips for indoor explorers
A small team of our intrepid insect and arachnid explorers has been exploring the indoors area of the human dwelling. They have, at risk of life and limb (mainly life), assessed the dangers and possibilities for successfully surviving an indoor encounter in flat Nr. 1. Thanks to the courageous behaviour of these heroic crawlies, we now have a much better understanding of the situation indoors and can offer some advice on how you stand a chance to get out of there alive. We await further news on the other flats in the dwelling and will update you as soon as we can.
What we know:
- There is only one human in Nr. 1, and it’s a female. This was confirmed by Dr. Centipede after an early morning encounter in the shower. How either survived that moment no-one will ever know; it was a wild exit by all accounts.
- Chemical warfare is limited, but very targeted when deployed.
- There is a hoover in the house but so far that nor other mechanical devices have been used against our crawlies, except accidentally during regular cleaning of the dwelling.
Note that even with this new knowledge of flat Nr. 1, indoor exploration remains extremely dangerous and there is a very high chance you may not make it out alive. Several of our explorers have not returned, or have been returned in flattened state. As you know, the College does not encourage indoor exploration (we are a group of enthusiasts but are not officially backed by the College!), and in particular the arachnid members of the InInEx Club should consider their lower than average chances of survival. However, this is the club for those crawlies who cannot ignore the urge to venture indoors, and these tips may help to increase their chances of survival:
- If at all possible, remain invisible. Blend into the carpet, move in the dark, or freeze and pray she doesn’t notice you– whatever works, be creative!
- If you do get spotted, make sure you position yourself on a flat surface (but not the ceiling) and be ready to be evacuated with the “cup and chuck” method. Hiding in a corner only increases your likelihood of getting killed in a nasty way. Do not disappear while she fetches the cup, total freak-out may occur if you’re not where you were supposed to be. Position your limbs close to your body, wait for the glass or cup to be placed over you, and when the piece of cardboard is inserted underneath please cooperate and shuffle onto it; you risk losing a few limbs or antennae if you resist at this point. Once you’re ensconced this way, you’re out of there alive, although admittedly the exit is unceremonious.
- If you get caught in the middle of the night under the glass, you may have to wait for the first light of morning to be released. Be patient. She’s pretty good about this, we noticed.
- If you’re a spider, make sure you’re less than 1 inch (2.5cm) diameter as measured with your legs stretched out. Any larger than that and your chances of survival decrease significantly, but even among smaller arachnids the survival rate is significantly below average compared with other InInEx Club members. A few spiders have escaped successfully, but more have met an untimely end (see the College’s note). RIP.
- Slow down, do not run away at full speed, and remember the advice from point 2. It seems crazy and counter-intuitive, but bear in mind that you are dealing with a creature that cannot process our speed of movement without experiencing a brain malfunction.
- If you are near the kitchen sink, your chances of survival increase somewhat if you are spotted when the human wears gloves for doing dishes. Again, remember the advice in point 2, and cooperate. Find the sweet spot that’s not too close to the sink hole, neither too close to the edges. (If you sewer surfing is your thrill, by all means wriggle a lot, and position yourself near the sinkhole, and enjoy the ride.)
- Do not overstay your welcome. Occasionally, Crawlies have been tolerated indoors for a while, but it is best practice to move out quietly after you’ve been spotted and tolerated, as humans seem to have trouble with “crawly non-permanence” and expect things to stay in the same place (whereas we rarely do).
We hope to see many of you thrill-seekers back after your indoor adventures, but remember that even with these tips, it remains a very risky hobby. Before going in, tell a friend of your plans, and check that you have made the appropriate arrangements and settled any outstanding affairs.
To the indoors, and beyond!